There aren't really the words to say - nor the vision to create. I don't know how to express how I feel except perhaps... If I keep writing - if I keep writing without looking at the screen. This might help. It may overspill onto the pages of this blog and become at peace. My thoughts - my memories of this feeling of aching nothingness will be revealed and accepted into the space and stars of the world. I am stuck staring at the keys -contemplating why nothing is certain, not knowing what I should do now. Wanting to hurry into a new life. Hurry into a life that involves hugs and kisses and origami shapes with love notes written inside. Warm wood burners and hot water bottles in beds. Familiar barking nuzzles from the sausage dog. Cups of coffee made in anticipation of a need. A world openly shared. Openly demonstrated of the love that is there. It's all a dream.
I dream a dream of
love that doesn't exist. I
need to forget the
notions, the perfect
love story. It just won't match
reality. It
never could. Faith in
it has been lost. I thought it
would appear. It did
not. Relationships
are hard, but like other things -
you don't often get
the chance again, time
doesn't heal - it wallpapers
over your feelings
until you forget.
But things aren't really forgot-
ten. They are stored some
place deep and dark. Like
cancerous cells. They can break
free at any mo-
ment. They can catch you
unaware and pierce your re-
ality, cracking
it at first until
it smashes through and changes
things forever.I'm
alone. He's alone.
He doesn't even notice.
I'm so, so alone.